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2012-01-30T20:42:00.000-08:00

Was watching the "Today" show the other day, and a segment came up about apologies and the art of apologizing or something like that. Got me thinking again about the way I behaved, which I don't like to do. Gives me an uncomfortable, guilty feeling.

I know I said some hateful, hurtful things. Things I don't ever want to repeat again. I acted out in ways God would not approve. I wish I could go back and do it over and have never started writing. But seeing as how scientists still haven't built a time machine, I guess apologies are all I can offer.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to anyone and everyone I hurt with my words and actions. I've felt terrible knowing that I pissed off and upset people who have made me laugh and cry and feel emotion over the years.

I slipped into a depression from thinking about this crap. Almost missed my sister's wedding. I still left hours before the celebration ended b/c I didn't want to be around other people. I never thought writing would have put me in this situation. Guess I wasn't truly aware of the effect words can have on people. Seems I still have alot more to learn about life.

A Summer to Remember

2012-01-26T00:58:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this in hopes I will find some closure in my life. Maybe if I get it off my chest, I'll finally be able to get it out of my system. I don't think there's been a day that's gone by where I haven't reflected on the events that transpired over the summer. Hard to believe only several months have passed; feels like it's been a lifetime.

I started to get the impression that it seemed some people wanted me to take on some kind of leadership role. Really now... is sticking me in some Orwellian vision-become-reality the normal way people try to get someone to become a leader? Big Brother is watching amirite. I doubt any of the people running for president had to endure the level of scrutiny that I went through.

Looking back, it was a foregone conclusion that you would eventually see my dark side. People must have noticed my writing was becoming angrier and more unstable, and I've always written what I felt at the time. Are you satisfied? Is that what you were looking for? I guess I failed the test. But, much like the doomed dwarves in 'Lord of the Rings,' if you dig too deeply and too greedily, you're bound to find something ugly.

Maybe I brought it on myself. I think people were reaching out to me, but I kept pushing them away. Had this fear of being assassinated for some reason. It was never my intention to become a leader. I remember I started writing mostly out of concern for Lindsay. Guess it just got out of hand. Started commenting on things I probably should have left alone.

IDK... I guess the best way I can explain why I lost it is that part of me understood what was happening, but there was another part of me that rejected the fact that people on the TV were talking to me and were able to see and hear me. Guess I couldn't live with that paradox. Started shooting my mouth off.

Ehh... I'd be lying if I said it was all bad. There were also plenty of good times while I was losing it. I miss messing with Al. Wonder if he still wears that flaming pink flamingo jacket. I miss flirting with Candace. Ugh... those chicks are so sexy. I've fantasized about having a threesome with her and Sara. It involves a classroom with them in schoolgirl outfits and I'm the teacher. Kevin's sitting in the corner wearing a dunce cap and rubber ball gag. Hmmm... would it be considered gay if he was forced to watch? IDK.

I just wish there was someone in my life that could've helped me through this experience. Maybe I would've been able to keep it together if there was somebody I could've leaned on. God knows I wasn't getting any help at home. I was so miserable towards the end. For a while I thought my mom worked for the Devil.

I wonder how Izzy is doing. Wonder if she's moved on yet. Wonder if she even remembers me. Probably best if she did move on. I've come to realize that I'm severely damaged goods. I think it's my fate to be forever alone. It's not so bad; I've been lurking a website that has the occasional thread about people who feel the same way. Something comforting in knowing that there are kindred spirits out there who feel as I do.

I've actually been thinking about becoming the male equivalent of the crazy cat lady. Wonder how many I would need to qualify. Gotta be in the double digits. Maybe years from now, a nasty smell will start emanating from my home. Concerned neighbors will come to check up on me, and when they get inside, they'll find nothing but human skeletal remains and like fifty cats screaming their heads off. Cat poo strewn all over the floor, like so many land mines. Think I'd like the epitaph on my headstone to read something like: 'Ask Not For Whom The Cats Purred. They Purred For Me.'

All this may sound crazy to you. I don't blame you if you did think that way. I've noticed that when people say that the TV has been talking to them, it's usually after they killed someone. Don't think I'm there yet, though. Thanks for reading.

My Argument for God's Existence

2012-01-15T11:59:00.000-08:00

It's 2012, and what have I done. Another year over, a new one has begun.

Let's see... well with World War III looking like more and more like a real possibility , I've been thinking about God alot lately. Seems like one of the biggest arguments against God's existence is that there is no real proof that He exists. Why should we believe in something when there is no real tangible evidence? Well, suppose that one day God descended to Earth in all His glory and made His presence known. Don't you think the first thing that people who commit evil acts would do is immediately repent their ways and try to live a just life? It would take away our free will more than any law that humanity could possibly pass. Just because your senses cannot see or feel something does not mean it does not exist.

I do not, however, think that God wants us to kill in His name. I can't believe in a God that would want blood on His hands. There's a reason some religions of the world call the embodiment of evil the Great Deceiver. So to all those people who go on a religious killing spree, it's a very real possibility you're doing the work of not God, but the other guy.

I believe that God wants us to be happy, so long as our pursuit of happiness does not harm others. I believe He has a sense of humor, and laughs with us. I believe He wants a world at peace where children go to bed and are not hungry or fearful. At least that's what I want to believe.

It just seems that a world I described seems ever more out of reach. Seems like money and bombs are the only things people care about these days. Humanity has been on this planet for how many years, and it seems like we've learned nothing, outside of holding hatred for each other

Hmmm... maybe I'm holding this pessimistic view because of the news. It's a rare event where I come across a story that has a happy ending. I'm pretty sure there's plenty of good and kindness in this world, but it's the stories about stuff getting blown up that seem to garner the most attention. I imagine it's akin to where there's a traffic accident on the road, and everyone slows down to take a look. That really annoys me btw. There's plenty of gore on the internet, TV, and movies if that's what you're looking for.

Ehhh... wondering if I should actually post this. Probably sounds preachy, and I doubt I've lived a life where I can stand on a pedestal and preach. I just want to share my thoughts on this dilemma that people smarter than me have debated. Anyways, if you've gotten this far, I thank you for reading.